Colombian Men: Stop Doing this to Gringas
Disclaimer: Not all Colombian men do this and I’m not trying to make Colombian men look bad, since after all I have a Colombian boyfriend. This is only what I have seen/experienced the first few months in Colombia, and most of these things I have adapted to with time.
You’re a Colombian man, and you spot a Gringa in your country’s territory, but you don’t how to snatch her.
If you want to keep a Gringa around here is a list of things NOT to do or say:
”Que culito rico Mami”: The Colombian pick up lines are beyond strange…Calling us Mami, Mamita, Mamasota is initially weird. We aren’t your mothers, so even if this was meant to be a compliment, it comes off weird. Mommy? I’m 23 years old, wtf.
Hiss at us like a Snake “Ssss”: I do not slither and I will not crawl to you. Why the heck are you making Snake noises at me? This is odder than the occasional whistle I get on the street in the USA. IT’S CREEPY! I hear this, I run like a Cheetah.
Tell us about your first time with a Donkey/Maid: Yes this is surprisingly true for some Colombian men. I had one gringa here that broke up with her Colomban man because she found out his family paid the maid to have sex with him. What do they say? Ignorance is bliss. Please let me be ignorant.
Kiss our cheeks: When we are just arriving to Colombia the culture is already so different, that when you kiss our cheeks we think you are making a move on us. Even if it’s completely not your intent. It’s overly friendly and I’ve had Colombian guys literally drool on my cheek that it’s so gross and wet that I have nightmares. If you really want to keep a gringa around, play it safe.
Grab our waists and dance: Colombian men can be very forceful when it comes to dancing. When Gringas are entering a brand new culture, grabbing us by the waist and moving our hips with yours is just plain out of our comfort zone. For me this is a problem. For you this is completely natural with your culture, understand that we are not in the same place right now! Give us time!
Handing us a shot: Buy us an un-open beer and we’ll accept. Colombia hasn’t been known for the best reputation in the world so when you give us a shot, don’t be surprised if a gringa denies it. Maybe you put something in there?! How do we know?! We just met?!
SO what can you do to keep a Gringa at arms length? #
Talk in English with your sexy Latino voice: It just makes our knees week. Enough said.
Take us surfing/other cool activity: If you can surf, flaunt it. “Oh wait, I’m from Chicago, I don’t have an ocean, this is cool!” is the first thing that pops in my head. If you teach us how to surf, it will establish some sort of trust with you. You also earn 10+ points and are that much closer to .. other things.
Cook/Introduce us to cultured food: Arroz con Coco**: Colombia’s fresh coconut is like nothing I’ve ever tried before. They use shitty unnatural stuff in the USA so if you can give us a mouth orgasm then bravo.
Translate Colombian music: Latino music is so rhythmic, that vibe is so sexy. Some songs I get so surprised in the translation. For example, “Serrucho”, which means handsaw. I was very surprised in it’s meaning. This isn’t a romantic song, but translating it to me gives me something to giggle about. Very sexual.
because I’m the rivets
nails, nails, nails, rivets, nails, rivets, spikes
I am a carpenter, oh mama, oh mama